Finding Joy During Pregnancy While Grieving the loss of my child

Tabitha died on January 21, 2013.  Twenty-two days later, on Valentine's Day, February 14, I learned that I was pregnant with baby number three.  In the weeks following the accident, I had been praying for a sign that Jon and I were good parents and that staying together was the right choice for us.  The news of expecting another child was a pretty big sign.

I was happy.  I had been given a third chance at having a baby.  Isabelle had the opportunity to be a big sister again - she had been a great one!  It was nice to have a distraction from the grief, the physical and emotional pain and the legal issues.

But conflicting emotions made it difficult to be joyful.  Fear and worry loomed … How would others respond?  What would people say?  Was I ready?  What was going to happen to Jon?  There was sadness … It was too soon.  Tabitha had just died.  I missed her.  I needed to let myself grieve.

Feeling happy while being so sad was confusing.  How could I be both?  While in counseling, the most helpful exercise was to eliminate the word 'but'.  It was not, "I feel happy, but sad".  Rather, it became "I feel happy and sad."  Replacing 'but' with 'and' allowed me to  focus on both my grief and my joy.  I both missed Tabitha and I was excited to meet my new little one.

Isabelle's excitement for the baby's arrival also helped make it easier to find happiness during this time.  I would ask if she wanted a brother and she would respond, 'no'.  I asked if she would like a sister and she would say, 'no'.  When I asked what she did want, she simply said, "A baby!"  I found some humor and relief in the fact that she was not expecting or wanting a cat, dog, horse or cow for a sibling!!  All Isabelle wanted was a healthy baby to care for and to love.  Thinking of this brought me great joy.